the performance trap..

I really like this picture..a simple ladder leading to a thick solid tree branch. I'm afraid of heights you see... so anything a couple feet off the ground turns me into a sobbing mess..I'm not kidding.. family members have been witness to this as I braved a tower climb (after much of what I like to call .. a discussion)..I got to the top and sunk to the floor and cried and could not be moved no matter the coaxing by others.. But, because I wanted to look like I could do it THIS time..I went ahead and did the climb and was humiliated that I got to the top and could not move...Sometimes fear drives us ....for me, at that time, it was the fear of what others would think of me and fear of heights that embarrassed me....can you imagine living like this? Maybe you do..I have..trying to do things that please others... at times I sacrifice my selfish nature for their selfish nature and called it love...believing that this is having a servants heart...if that's a servants heart..I'm not feeling it..maybe its my fault.. sometimes I do things as the way to the heart of another..only I end up feeling alone and emptied...I keep ceaselessly striving to please people..trying to get them to like me and not throw me under the bus when I don't meet their expectations.. I do alot of things because it's the right thing to do...but its not always beneficial to me and to those involved...the pressure to do what is expected alot of times has more to do with others approval rather that serving God...I'm thinking of those times when others have judged me and criticized my decisions according to what they believe is right and just.. I'm trying to please the very people who are critical and judgemental rather than making sound decisions according to what I believe to be true as I strive to be in agreement with the Lords will and not their will.... as I put my faith in the One who loves me unconditionally weather I do it the "right" way or just do my best or even fail.. who is there to fear? And, what is there to fear? I will just do the daily climb..in faith and not be brought to despair by others ...I think that's where I will find joy..in serving Him...and maybe the rest will just fall into place..I gotta be like this ladder and lean on the thick solid branch trusting it will support me as I climb...and face my fears as I go...and look back knowing I did the best I could with what I had... thanks for stopping by! love ya mean it Stephanie